I have anxiety

OK so here it goes. I'm writing this for anyone out there who thinks they may have anxiety and to let them know that there not insane and there's many of us who deal with it.

When I was a young girl Aids came about, it was everywhere and it scared the crap out of me. I became convinced that I was going to catch it. I was ten. I used to wash my hands over and over and would not use cutlery at restaurants or public toilets. All that is not so bad really but one day I said a prayer to God to help me and my family never get AIDS. After I finished I felt better so I prayed again and then again and again. I ended up on that first night praying for two hrs in my friends toilet at her house that I would not catch AIDS. In the end I didnt feel better I felt depleted and exhausted.

I realised I could not to that all the time so I made it that I would have to pray the prayer 4 times in a row the same every time, When I say the same I mean exactly the same. I had to say it the same swallow at the same time and when Id make the sign of the cross and clasp my hands together at the end my fingers could not touch if they did Id do it again and again until I did it right. Just that alone could take and hr. Sometimes the whole process would take hours. I remember being at the end one night of the ritual and mum yelled out dinners ready about ten
times, In the end I had to say OK and broke down in tears cause I had to start again.

I also had a thing with numbers. If I went to school and there were 5 rows of tables Id sit in the third row that way I had two rows in front of me and two behind me. There were so many things like this it just goes on and on.

So this goes on from ten to sixteen everyday. Then I meet a guy and we really like each other and want to spend every second together. So I Could not do my little obsessions. So I agreed to only do them every second day then once a week and then finally never. I realised that although every fiber of my being was telling me to do this thing or pray that prayer I DID NOT HAVE TO, that was so freeing for me. I wanted to and convinced myself that Id die if I didnt but I did not have to do these things anymore.

So for 10 years I'm fairly OK just the odd little thing here and there like counting my steps when I walked or Id be watching something and there might be something in the background and I have to count them 4 times before a new seen came on. But I could stop myself and say 'enough'

OCD is a form of anxiety and still to this day I say my prayers every night in the same format. Just once but the same never the less and only in my head not out load and there can be mistakes etc.

Fast forward and I'm 28. I go though two years with infertility with my husband(that guy I mentioned before became my DH) and though ivf I have twin boys. This is were the anxiety begins.

I was in hospital and on about day three I lose my appetite complety, I go home with two babies and my Dh is back at work immediately. I'm on my own. I feel dizzy and not really in my body and no appetite still for weeks. I lose 25 kilos in ten days. I didnt eat a thing.

I just keep thinking its the caesar opp and the drugs they give you take a bit to get out of your system. And after a month things seem ok.

Ill post more tomorrow